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I’m going to get really real right now. It’s not pretty and it’s not pleasant. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me. I try to be conscious of it. I try to preemptively curb it. I try to remind myself that it’s anxiety and not reality. But sometimes I find myself questioning my worth. As a mother. As a wife. As a daughter. As a person. This is a delicate subject, but I think it’s important to talk about.
Sometimes my thoughts are dark
Really dark. Sometimes I just know that my husband is going to realize I’m worthless and leave me. Sometimes I don’t think I can handle being a step mother to a child who openly dislikes me and does everything in his power to make me uncomfortable. Sometimes I don’t know how we’re going to make it financially with my student loan debt that tripled in the time it was deferred while I was a single parent living paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes that all leads up to me feeling more than just overwhelmed. I feel hopeless.
I’m not kind to myself when my mind goes into that state
Anxiety takes over my being and I am consumed by it. Why didn’t I protect my daughter more? Why did I yell at her? Why am I such a terrible mother? She deserves so, so much better. I am an awful mother to a perfect girl. She doesn’t deserve to have such a garbage mother. I can’t believe my husband married me. He must not know what a waste of space I am. When will he figure it out? I know he will. He will open his eyes one day and his rose colored glasses will be removed and he’ll see me as the worthless pile I am. And he will be devastated and disgusted. And he will leave me. Or worse, he’ll stay with me, but grow to hate me. I let myself down over and over again. I can never do enough. I can never be good enough. I can never be the person I should be. I wasted all of the incredible potential I was born with.
Those are truly thoughts that go through my mind. On top of worry about basically any and everything possible. All sorts of narratives and scenarios constantly playing out in my mind.
What I have found helpful
Anxiety is so real. And it can be so debilitating. But what I have found that really helps me, is being aware of my anxiety. Crying it out if I need to. I really work to redirect my thoughts. When I find myself having anxious or negative thoughts, I actively redirect them to something positive. If I’m thinking about what a terrible mother I am, I actively tell myself that I am a good mother and love my daughters. That they love me. That I do the best that I can for them. And that it’s good enough. When I think that I’m not good enough for my husband, I actively tell myself that I am good enough for him, that he loves me for exactly who I am, and that he wouldn’t change me given the chance.
Redirecting thoughts is very powerful
It sounds silly at first, but it really can help with anxiety. When I make a conscious effort to combat my thoughts, I wind up feeling less and less anxious and have fewer and fewer anxiety episodes. It takes time and it takes consistency. But it makes a difference. Being kind to yourself makes a difference. Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It, is an excellent book that I highly recommend. When I was going through an incredible amount of stress at a terrible job, paired with a host of health issues, this book was a lifeline for me. I read it and then bought it on audible and listened to the author read the book. I listened to it several times a week, at one point. Because the reiteration of being kind to yourself and what kind of impact that has on you, including your health, and entire life in general, was mind blowing.
Negative Messages
We are constantly bombarded with messages that we’re not good enough and should work to be something else. We begin to internalize that and wind up being cruel to ourselves. It becomes overwhelming. We no longer know if we can believe that we’re good enough or that things will be okay. Our minds become consumed by it. Stopping that way of thinking stops the cycle. Being kind to ourselves eventually overpowers the messages of inadequacy that we’re faced with. Thoughts are powerful. How we treat and view ourselves is powerful.
Struggle
Do I still struggle with it all? Yes. Without question. But it’s become much more manageable. I work at it daily. I redirect thoughts. I repeat positive statements to myself over and over again. I shut down facebook for months at a time when it’s too overwhelming. But doing those things, being mindful of it all, truly changes my ability to cope with anxiety as well as the frequency and severity of the anxiety I do experience. Be kind to yourself. Be. Kind. To. Yourself.
***I am not a medical doctor and nothing in this blog is medical advice or to be used in lieu of medical treatment or advice from a doctor.
Thank you for sharing what so many struggle with. Your suggestions on what works for you are great!
Thank you, Marie! I appreciate it.
What a powerful honest testament to sharing your struggles with anxiety! Thank you. And thank you for sharing what works for you to handle the anxiety.
Heather, thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Oh my gosh I relate so hard. I needed to read this. Especially the parts about having dark thoughts and then being unkind to yourself. So, so real. Keep up the great work!
I’m both sorry and glad that you were able to relate. =) Sometimes my mind is my own worst enemy. I’m so glad that I’ve learned the tools I have to use when things get especially high anxiety for me. I hope they’re helpful for you, too!
Anxiety can be paralyzing for sure,
Indeed! So thankful to have such a great family and great friends. Sometimes a talk with your mom is everything you need…even when you’re 34. =)
Thank you so much for opening up. I’m going to check out the book you recommended!
It’s definitely worth the read!
Thank you for sharing something so raw. I don’t generally struggle with anxiety, however between a relocation, stressed out toddler and a traveling husband I find myself struggling quite a bit. Thank you for these tips.
You’re so brave for sharing this!
I’ve been struggling with postpartum anxiety ever since I had my son in 2014. It’s a lot better than it was during his first year of life, but I still have my moments and my triggers.
You’re doing good, mama!
I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, especially after giving birth to my second son. I can totally relate to so much of this. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing
I have battled anxiety, and you are so right about redirecting your thoughts. It’s work at first, but you get used to it with practice. I have to carefully curate my social media feeds AND take periodic breaks too. Anxiety is such a burden, but you have provided such great advice for managing it.
Thank you for sharing this. I struggle with anxiety as well, especially after my daughter was born in 2014, and my husband is always travelling. My anxiety is rooted in my childhood. I was a second girl child born into a stereotypical Punjabi Indian family where the preference for sons being born is highly pronounced. So, I was not taken very kindly. My aunt and my grandmother abused and violated me on a daily basis during the early years. I still have memories of some of the mean things I have undergone. It was like bad memories were omnipresent in my life; they would trigger my anxiety suddenly and take over things. It led me to attempted suicide twice, and I was contemplating it again in 2019, that’s when I decided to see a doctor. It was so cathartic. I have now moved alone to England for my PhD studies just t get away from my husband and daughter so that I don’t impact their mental peace. My husband was not attentive to my emotional needs, and he laughed/mocked about them most of the times. But at my level, I have made specific changes in my lifestyle that are slowly working towards ameliorating it. I will seek professional care once the COVID lockdown is over and hopefully, things will change for good.
I am so sorry for the long delay. My health took a dive, and I’ve been completely neglecting the blog. Shalini, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. No one should ever endure that. I’m so glad that you’re working on mental health and healing, and are taking time to make yourself and your healing a priority. Please don’t give up on counseling, it helps me so much.