
Let’s chat about the BMI index, shall we? I have struggled with my weight my entire life. When I was 6 I got sick. Very sick. I mentioned that in my autoimmune disease post. I went from a normal kid, to being fatigued all the time, having issues with my leg, double vision, feeling like garbage, and just being pretty miserable. I gained weight. Part of it was surely due to a lack of the physical activity that I had previously been doing, but part of it was probably due to the illness itself, and, yes, genetics, too.

School Age
After that, weight was a constant issue for me. In second grade I remember feeling fat, and being told by peers that I was fat. I remember being the last to be picked for kickball and made fun of for my appearance. I see photos now, and see a really normal kid. Not thin by any stretch, but not grossly overweight. But I hated myself. In second grade. Even having dealt with hospital visits and countless doctor visits, I hated myself for not being one of the skinny girls. I was 8.


Into Adulthood
Over the next several years I gained quite a bit of weight. By the time I had my daughter, weeks after my 25th birthday, I was very overweight, by anyone’s standard. I thought I’d lose the pregnancy weight, but it didn’t come off. I went into the pregnancy overweight, but post-pregnancy had me at a size I was very uncomfortable with. I remember seeing a photo of myself with my brother, just goofing around, and I was devastated by what I saw. I started a journey to get healthy and in shape.


Sickness and Health
I felt great. And then I didn’t. My body spiraled out of control. I started gaining weight rapidly, so I started to restrict my food intake drastically, hoping that would stop it. But it didn’t. I became incredibly fatigued. Exhausted. Started losing my hair. There were tons of symptoms that popped up. Rapid weight gain was but one of them.
After years of doctor visits, which were always disappointing and dismissive, and incredible amounts of research, I finally started to get things under control. I got my hormones in the right place, my thyroid seemed to be doing alright, finally, and my adrenal glands/HPA axis seemed to finally be working. I was doing gentle workouts every other day, drinking my pea protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, and not worrying so hard about what I ate for dinner. I was still eating healthy food, I just wasn’t concerned with calories and allowed myself to have ice cream when I wanted it, etc.
Surprise: Baby!
After regaining my health, I got back down to the weight I was at my prime (the time I was doing crossfit and eating VLC Paleo). But I felt great! It was fantastic! And then I had a surprise pregnancy. I had a feeling that it would throw things out of whack again, but did my best to not think about it and just focus on the pregnancy and my sweet little fetus. Who is now a sweet little 14 month old.


Enter some incredibly stressful situations, and my body was so stressed that instead of gaining weight like I normally do when dealing with stress, I lost weight. Not a ton, but more than I’d like to give stress credit for. I’m about 4 pounds away from where I was when I got pregnant. But because of the stress I’ve been dealing with, and knowing how my body reacts to all stress, including exercise, I haven’t been working out, lately. Because I know that the added stress to my body could be detrimental to my health. I ache to workout, but I’m giving myself some more time to heal and cope with outside stressors, before I opt to add purposeful stress to my body.
BMI is Garbage
All of that said to say: the BMI is an epic and disgusting farce. Right now I am considered “overweight.” Let me say that while I am not thin, I am definitely not overweight. There is not a person who looks at me and thinks “She’s overweight.” The BMI takes so little into account. Body type matters. Period. I’ve never been anything but just barely in the “normal” range, and when that has occurred, I was at my thinnest, and honestly quite thin for my body. I am short and I have broad shoulders and wide hips, and while, yes, I will always have large thighs and a special belly (thanks to an emergency csection), it’s ridiculous to associate where I am when I’m at my thinnest but still healthy and strong, with “overweight.”

My 9 year old is likely not favored by the BMI chart, but is PERFECT. She is a tiny package of solid muscle and strength, and I will LOSE MY MIND if anyone ever makes her feel like she’s anything but perfect because of the BMI which doesn’t take her immense strength and muscle into account. I will LOSE MY MIND if she ever feels they way I did about my body. Because I look back and while, yes, I definitely had some considerably overweight times, when I was a child and a teenager, I was perfect. And I felt like a piece of trash thanks to the BMI, the doctors who put so much stock in it, and a society which tells us that we must fit a mold of thinness in order to be worthy.
I hope to lose the last four pounds, I’ll be honest. But I’m guessing I’ll put some weight on first, once the stressfulness subsides, and once I’m working out again and gaining muscle. And that is absolutely okay. Trust that I’d rather have a few extra pounds and feel good and have my body working as optimally as possible, than be the weight I’d most like and feel exhausted and weak and miserable.
My husband has never had to contend with weight issues, aside from when he was in high school and some coach mocked him for being too skinny. He started consuming insane amounts of calories and lifting heavy weights, and put on enough weight to be a muscly football player. He’s now a thin guy. Not skinny, but he’ll never ever be anything close to overweight. I put his metrics into the BMI chart and guess what…he’s 2 pounds shy of being “overweight.” It’s so laughable when put into that context. Because he is a thin guy. No question about it. And there is no one in the world who would look at him and think “man, he’s pretty close to being overweight…” Most people would think “he could stand to eat a few cheeseburgers.”
But here we are. Killing ourselves over a stupid freaking body mass index chart that is entirely outdated, and frankly, meaningless. It’s antiquated to say the least. As a friend pointed out, the chart was created in the 1830s. As another friend pointed out, human bodies have undergone quite a bit of change since then. We’re larger people in general. Not just “fatter,” but larger frames. But the chart doesn’t take body type or muscle mass into consideration. It doesn’t care about your actual health and lifestyle, just about your height to weight ratio. It’s so absurd. And frustrating. But still such a hard care to break.
Personal shortcomings
I can preach body acceptance all day. And I can talk about the ridiculous body standards our society clings to. I can go on and on about self-love, throwing the scale away, about size being unimportant. And I believe all of it. At the same time, I practice low-key self-loathing over my size and weight. Not all the time. But practicing it at all is not something I’m proud of. I wish that I wasn’t so concerned about fitting into the last pair of prepregnancy jeans. That I didn’t look into the mirror and have days where I internally freak out over what I see. I wish that I could look at myself with the love and enamor that my husband looks at me with.
I have days that I feel really good about myself. And sadly, many days where I pick myself apart, and frankly, probably am viewing myself through a funhouse mirror lense. I’m aware that I likely have some body dysmorphia going on. And I know that health is so much more important than size. I know that the BMI is a complete and utter farce.
Learning to make the two opposing world views I adhere to around weight and size come together is more of a struggle than I’d ever imagined. But I am definitely trying. In the meantime, I will continue to remind myself that my body is what it is. That it’s exactly what it needs to be right now. That I don’t need to criticize it. That I can love my body while accepting that it doesn’t look exactly as I’d like it to. And that I need to stop being so mean to it.
I will continue to keep embracing my imperfections, including my inability to sometimes embrace said imperfections.
***I am not a medical doctor and nothing in this blog is medical advice or to be used in lieu of medical treatment or advice from a doctor.
Thank you for sharing your story about your weight. I have struggled my life with my weight, and even in high school when I was very fit, I was considered overweight. I think it takes time and practice to not have that self-loathing toward ourselves. I know I still do though I never say anything to anyone about it because I am not proud of it. It’s nice to know we are not alone in our struggle.
I’m glad you could connect with my story. It really is a constant learning and growth experience. Especially when we’re bombarded with the notion that we’re not good enough because we’re not light enough or thin enough. It’s a hard mindset to break. And not one that my parents ever believed in or preached, just something that was societally ingrained in me despite my parents best effort to counteract it. Awareness is the biggest step, right? =)
I agree that BMI is garbage. I personally feel that it is more important to focus on being healthy and happy with the skin you’re in. Not everyone in this life is a size 2 and that’s okay. I have had the opposite struggle my whole life. I have a hard time gaining weight. Doesn’t sound like a problem, right? Until people are telling you that you need to “eat something” or that you look “anorexic”. Despite all of this, I focus on remaining healthy. You’re gorgeous momma. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
I totally agree with you about BMI being garbage. And it sucks because whatever you do, you can never “please” everyone. But thanks for sharing your journey so far and even sharing your struggles. I know it will help a lot of people reading this. I am new to pinterest and blogging itself but I will make sure to repost on pinterest because I know it will help others. Thanks again!
I think I was around 7 or 8 when I ran into a teenager I admired at a community picnic. She exclaimed, “Magi! What happened? You used to be so skinny!” That was the first time I thought anything at all about my body, and what I thought was that I was fat. Looking back at pictures I wasn’t “skinny” but from my adult perspective I wouldn’t consider that child fat. I don’t remember being terribly different than other kids in my eating habits or activity level, except that I was never allowed to join any sports teams until I was old enough to pay for it and provide my own transportation. My “best” adult weight was around age 20. 140 lbs on a 5’4″ frame bu since I carry my weight in my booty, 140 pounds gives me a very skinny face and collar bone area, so people started accusing me of using drugs. (what the..?) I’m admittedly too overweight right now at nearly 40, but medically I’m considered “morbidly obese”. I have perfect blood pressure, can hike for miles, touch my toes without holding my breath, and play with my kids easily. Meanwhile my tall husband who can barely tie his shoes because of his beer gut just “needs to lose a few pounds”. I agree we need to be more flexible in how we determine healthy ranges for the human body.
It’s amazing how young we become aware of our weight and body image. I remember trying to weigh less than my friends when I was in the second grade! And our bodies change so much as we get older and have children. I completely agree: BMI is a horrible indicator of health at every point in life! It’s important for everyone to realize what is healthy for us as individuals and aspire to achieve that.
This is a great post! I remember feeling fat at the age of 7. I hated that I wasn’t a skinny blond girl…Now I’m the Sophia Vergara of my neighborhood! (Just in my head… but still counts! lol)
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you had to deal with negative feelings about your body from such a young age. I can relate. BMI really is a load of crap. Good for you for journeying toward balance.
I’m about to begin yet another weight loss journey and I think this was important for me to read now. I’ve been obsessed with numbers in the past and totally missed all the progress I had made along the way. This time around, I plan to focus on what my body can do, not what it looks like or what the numbers(BMI, scale, etc.) say about it.
Thank you for sharing your weight journey. I started my weight loss journey last year. I’ve lost 35 pounds and trying to keep it off is my new challenge
My son’s pediatrician said something similar ! He is literally solid muscle and can do more chin ups than I can haha ! I think BMI shouldn’t be a focus at all, but to just be healthy
I know, mu husband is considered overweight and he is the skinniest person. He is really tall and lanky. If anything he needs to put on weight
I’ve always thought it was garbage! It holds people to some crazy and unrealistic standards. Thanks for sharing your story!