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This post strays from my usual topics, but I think it’s something that touches many people. I am a step parent. While it can be a wonderful thing, it can also be incredibly challenging. I’m not going to share my story with you, instead I want to share some things that I think are helpful for step mothers in particular.
Feelings
Your feelings are okay and normal. Allow yourself to feel them and not have guilt attached to it. We are placed in a role that may be entirely different than we envisioned it would be, and are not really prepared for. Until you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to understand what all can be involved in being a step mother.
There are many support groups for step mothers/parents on facebook, and I recommend joining one (or many). Even if you don’t post, seeing that other people are dealing with some of the same challenges that you are can be incredibly beneficial. It’s also nice to see encouraging posts, and to have people lend their insight and experiences.
Step Mother challenges
There are some challenges that are exclusive to step mothers that the book StepMonster addresses very well. The author, Wednesday Martin, PhD, is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and a step mother herself, so she’s able to speak to her experiences as well as the psychology behind step mothering and the difficulties that arise. Step mothers are statistically not accepted as easily as step fathers, by both step children and society at large. You don’t hear about wicked step fathers, right? That’s a special title saved for step mothers.
You are not alone
Realizing that I’m not alone has been very valuable for me. And being able to refer to statistics and psychological evidence has helped my peace of mind considerably. It’s easy to assume that you’re wrong for feeling certain ways or for not being happy all the time in the situation. But the reality is that it’s not easy and when you’re dealing with outside factors that you have no control over, it’s nearly impossible to feel like you have a grasp on what goes on in your own home. But realizing that the only thing you can control is how and what you choose to engage in is eye opening, and can potentially change your outlook on the entire situation.
Hang in there
Step mothers, hang in there. You love your spouse and they love you. The difficult times will come and go. In those times, talk to close friends, your partner, or even a counselor. Reach out to others who have gone or are going through similar things – it really does help. And trust that your feelings are okay, even if they’re not logically what you want to be feeling. Giving yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling goes a long way toward making it all work.
I am not a step-mother, but I did grow up with one. Reading this, I regret how I sometimes treated her. Just know, step-moms, that when they grow up, they’ll appreciate everything you did and continue to do for them!
Thank you, Alexz. I’m really hoping that’s the case for us. It’s an uphill battle with a bioparent who is quite disapproving of me and of him liking me, so it makes it very challenging. I just continue to do my best to make him feel like this is home and that he’s loved.
Thank you for this! I am a step mom for almost 12 years now and even though I have been in my SD life since the time of birth, I am still perceived as just the step mom. Even the Step dad gets put on a higher pedestal and he has only been there since the age of 3/4. It is tough, but I stay for my husband and SD!
It’s amazing the way that stepmothers are villianized. Made worse my mothers who don’t want their children to bond with them. It’s incredibly frustrating and feels like an unwinable battle. I just keep doing everything I can to make sure he knows I love him and that I’m here to stay.
I never really thought about the different ways society treats step mothers vs fathers. Its amazing the pressure we put on woman – birth mom, step mom, not a mom. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
I am not a step-mom, but this was still a great read. Very eye-opening and now I feel like I can understand other step-moms a little better.
Just to let you know, this content seems a little bit strange from my android phone. Who knows perhaps it really is just my mobile phone. Great post by the way.